My key tips for Agoraphobia recovery

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So I know I was going to talk about self-care this week, however I am still not happy with the post I’ve written. I made a post last year on the topic, but rest assured that I will get this new one out soon.

As mentioned last week, I was meant to go to Nottingham a couple of weeks ago, but didn’t make it. So yesterday I tried again and I did it! I went on the train, it wasn’t super busy, but busy enough to be a challenge. I went and browsed in a clothes store and I even sat inside and ate sushi. Really exceeded my own expectations and I am so so proud of myself. It’s given me hope that I will slot back in to where I left off soon enough.

It got me thinking though, I’ve really done well in my recovery and I would really like to share the things that I do that have gotten me this far. Obviously as I make clear in all of my posts, I am not a professional and these tips might not necessarily work for you, but I hope they give you an idea of how to take the first steps on your own journey.

Do not rely on safety items/people:
I know when I first started going out that I always used to take a bottle of water with me, I always used to wear dresses that didn’t press on my stomach too. Previous post on this topic here. I do to an extent feel comfortable going out with the same people or on my own, but I’m trying to change this. Basically, having a safety item is confirming to yourself that there is something to be anxious about and by carrying this item you are staving off panic. To take your first steps, this can be really helpful, but continuing to rely on them can hinder you in the long term because you are constantly reaffirming that your beliefs about being outside, or whatever your triggers are, are valid.

Consistency is key:
Exposure therapy is considered the best treatment for Agoraphobia and I would have to agree. I can give you the basics of how to do this, but again I’m not a professional, so what I will do is link you to some articles and resources that will help you to get started. What I will say though is practicing exposure therapy every day or as often as you can is the key to success. The more you face a situation, the better you will feel about it. It’s helpful because you get to understand your body and your limits. For me, I find that now because I know how to handle my anxiety (mostly) and I was in the situation before where I had to do something drastic (19 hour flight), that I can push myself a bit further in some situations. I wouldn’t suggest throwing yourself into the deep end though (flooding) because it doesn’t always work out and can in some cases make your anxiety worse.

Over-preparation
Again going back to the flight situation. I was so nervous that for a year I got every bit of information I could about the airport, which terminals I was going to be arriving in, what they looked like, the layout of the plane. Literally every bit of information that was available, I had. You know what though, I still panicked. Over-preparing isn’t helpful because you are still trying to control every aspect of a situation, when in reality you can’t prepare for every eventuality.
For example, my trip to Nottingham yesterday, I checked train times, I had a quick look on the map where I wanted to go in relation to the train station and that was about it really. Everything in between was just played by ear. A couple of years ago that would have terrified me, but realising that you can’t control everything around you and sometimes things can go wrong e.g. the trains are delayed, it’s busier than you expected, the road you need to walk down is closed etc, and trying to accept that has probably been the biggest help in my recovery. It isn’t an easy step to take and it takes a lot of practice, I will link some resources about accepting uncertainty at the bottom of the page.

Accept how you are feeling
If I am going out somewhere I’ve never been before or if I’m having a bad day, I will usually follow the same pattern. I will be really nervous before I leave the house, then I’ll be fine once I’m travelling and then when I get where I’m going I’ll be really anxious again and then after about 20 minutes I’ll be okay again. I know that’s usually the drill unless it’s somewhere that I really find difficult such as a restaurant. I find that just accepting that this is how I’m feeling and riding it out is better than fighting the anxiety and making it worse. Obviously if it is getting to the point of a panic attack I remove myself from the situation, but just feeling anxious, like maybe up to a 6.5 or 7/10 I try to stay with it. I also think it helps to tell the people you are with how you are feeling too so that you don’t have to hide your anxiety. I used to feel like I had to pretend I was fine so I wasn’t inconveniencing other people, but that made it harder to get out. I now straight out tell people what I’m feeling and it seems to help.
The other thing I think is important to remember is that being nervous is normal, as long as it’s not excessive.

Identify your anxiety
Sometimes in the summer you can get too hot. That can make you think you are panicking, when in reality its 25c and humid, you’re allowed to be hot. You might have an exam and feel nervous, this also isn’t anxiety. Being nervous is a normal human emotion and it can be easy to forget that sometimes. Being nervous doesn’t mean you are going to have a panic attack. Reminding yourself that not every unpleasant feeling means that you are experiencing anxiety.

Medication and therapy isn’t a sign of weakness
I’m not ashamed to say that both medication and therapy have been a great help to get me started on my journey and I don’t think I’d be where I am today without the tools CBT gave me. It’s also perfectly fine if you feel you don’t need either. I would recommend therapy though because it can give you some self-awareness and the toolkit to continue your journey long after your sessions have ended. There are many options, not just CBT, but this is the only one I feel comfortable recommending because it’s the only one I have experienced. Take a look online at what is available online or in your area and see if there is anything that you feel would bit a good fit for you. Medication again is a good option to run alongside therapy. Sometimes the first one you try might not work for you, don’t be discouraged. It’s quite common and there are plenty of different types available. I wouldn’t recommend a certain type because everyone is different. Speak to your GP and look at options. You wouldn’t feel ashamed to get medication for an infection or a cast for a broken leg. If your brain needs that extra support, it should be treated the same way.

Celebrate your goals
What you are fighting is complex and the journey through recovery can be difficult. Whether it’s going somewhere you have never been before, extending your exposure time or opening the front door, it is so so important to celebrate your achievements and it’s more than okay to be proud of yourself!


https://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/overcoming-agoraphobia-lovell-1999.pdf
https://jonabram.web.unc.edu/wp-content/uploads/sites/2968/2012/07/Blakey-Abramowitz-2016-Safety-Behavior-Review.pdf
https://www.psychologytools.com/professional/techniques/exposure/
https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/types/exposure-therapy
https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/-/media/CCI/Mental-Health-Professionals/Generalised-Anxiety/Generalised-Anxiety—Information-Sheets/Generalised-Anxiety-Information-Sheet—06—Accepting-Uncertainty.pdf
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/dealing-with-uncertainty.htm

Recovery is not linear

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So this week is Mental Health Awareness week. Last year I opened up about my OCD tendencies in this post, but this year I thought I would talk about something that I think will resonate with a lot of you.

Possibly one of the most important things to know if you are coping with a mental illness is that, as the title suggests, that recovery is not linear.

So to use myself as an example:

As many of you know, I am Agoraphobic which means that I struggle in places where I feel trapped. This time around 7 years ago I was housebound after I finished university and with some amazing therapy was able to get myself back out there. Then about 4 years later I struggled, had a bit of a breakdown and ended up quitting my jobs and living off of my savings for a year.

Just before lockdown I was doing really well, I was going and sitting in restaurants with my other half and not having a panic attack and I actually went to a food festival, I was comfortable in a new job. Through lockdown I took on some voluntary work to get me out of the house, but only within my own town really. Now as lockdown is easing, I am struggling a little.

I told myself that I was going to go into the next town over about 10 minutes away on public transport and that went really really well, so last week my next challenge was Nottingham, my closest city. The day I was meant to go I woke up and I felt so sick at the thought of even leaving the house and I didn’t end up going. We are trying again next week though, so hopefully things will go better.

As you can see, I have come a long way from being housebound all those years ago, but it hasn’t by any means been a straight line through to the point I was at before lockdown and honestly I feel like I have taken a step back in recovery.

You know what though, that’s okay.

No one could have predicted that a pandemic or lockdown was on the horizon. My routine has drastically changed, I’ve not been getting out of my comfort zone regularly and I’ve spent most of it not feeling any kind of anxiety at all, just in my little bubble. Now restrictions are easing, it is yet another drastic change being thrust back into society with the pressures of a job and social expectations/events is obviously going to be a bit of a shock.

It’s important to recognise that recovery is not going to happen overnight, it can be frustrating and there are times when it will feel really hard. A big life event might put the brakes on recovery, a little life event might put the brakes on recovery, sometimes you’ll have a good day and a couple of bad days.

There are also a couple of things I would suggest to help you through recovery (again I am not a professional, these are points I have come to realise for myself and I will link some articles at the end for you to do some further research).

  • Make self-care a priority. Self-care isn’t just facemasks and bubble baths. It is about ensuring you are keeping your mental and physical health in check. Reflect on how you are feeling, set boundaries so you don’t take on too much work or enter situations you are not comfortable with, it’s about learning your triggers and how to deal with stressful situations. I will be writing a post about this next week so hopefully that will be of some use to you.
  • Understand that mental health is fluid. No one is doing great all the time, no one is doing terrible all the time. Having days or even long periods where you feel you aren’t at your “peak” is natural. Identifying triggers or stressors can help deal with these situations.
  • You aren’t failing. I felt like this when I didn’t make it to Nottingham, but in reality I’m not failing. I have made massive progress and a little dip isn’t going to change that. I know that it might be a bit of hard work to get to where I’d like to be and I will keep trying until I get there. The fact that I can’t do it right now, means exactly that. I can’t do it RIGHT NOW.
  • Recovery isn’t an end goal. Jade, the Author of the article “Recovery Isn’t Linear: The Importance of Realistic Recovery” put it quite nicely. She said: “Recovery isn’t some big, shiny end goal: it is a journey of constant improvement, growth, and, sometimes, mistakes.”

Remember, we are all dealing with a lot right now. Look after yourself and you’ll get there.

I have linked a few articles and posts from other people on the same topic as well as some relapse prevention resources below:

It’s not my fault I treated you like that, I have depression

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This is something I have been meaning to write about for a while. I feel some people might not agree, but it’s something more people need to understand.

Mental illness is still being stigmatised. Some disorders are misunderstood, others aren’t taken seriously and undermined. Many organisations are yet to put into practice a solid structure and policies to help those with illnesses thrive. We spend so much time raising awareness to others outside the community, we sometimes miss the important issues within.

Some people are using the idea of supporting those with mental illness to their advantage by using it to excuse toxic and abusive behaviours by blaming their diagnoses.

I’m ashamed to admit that before I got help, I was an arsehole and blamed all my anger and toxic behaviour on what I was going through. It wasn’t until I stopped for a minute to evaluate my life, did I realise that I needed to change.

So I’m just going to come out and say it. Mental illness is not a free pass to be cruel or toxic. No matter what your diagnosis, if you are repeatedly negative towards those trying to support you, you need to have a serious look at your actions.

Before I go into what kind of actions I am talking about, I would first like to say that I am not talking about involuntary symptoms. I am explicitly talking about behavioural choices made that negatively impact those around us.

Types of behaviours used to project or misdirect anger/frustration, manipulate people and abuse others are choices.

If you repeatedly say cruel things to others when you are angry or stressed, this isn’t okay.

If you threaten to break up with your partner when you aren’t getting your own way, this isn’t okay.

If someone confronts you about your behaviour and you play the victim, blaming your mental illness and placing guilt tripping them, this isn’t okay.

These behaviours can be changed and must be addressed, because it is not fair to those trying to support you.

If you find yourself constantly hurting people with the things you say or do, it’s important that you reach out for help to tackle this.

If you know you are repeating this pattern of behaviour and someone approaches you about it, don’t immediately call them out for attacking you or bullying. Take some time and reflect on what they have said, is this the case?

In brushing people off and taking no responsibility will ultimately push them away and you’ll find yourself alone.

Anxiety: the new pandemic?

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As lock-down eases and people start to take their first steps back into the world, something has begun to affect many of us. Anxiety.

I’ve seen a lot of people express their feelings of worry and discomfort about integrating back into society. Those living an average life pre-corona have now found themselves with a racing heart while out shopping for socks. Others are very reluctant to return to work, which I can totally relate to. I was fine until given a date and now I am feeling those little butterflies resurfacing for the first time since lock-down began.

Despite being stuck inside for months, people across the UK aren’t so ready to venture back outside just yet. Don’t get me wrong, I imagine there are plenty of people at the pub today and I definitely saw those queues for Ikea and Primark all over social media. Although looking at the comments of articles, you can see a lot of people stating that they will be staying at home for the foreseeable.

In amongst all this uncertainty and change, I find myself in a unique position in that I am a recovering Agoraphobic. I have been housebound before and have made my way back to the point where I can hold down a job. Obviously my journey will be a little different from yours in that my thoughts and fears stemmed from something completely unfounded and irrational as apposed to what has been happening in the real world. I do think however I may be able to provide some insight into how you can begin to accept change and feel more comfortable with the current situation.

Why am I anxious?

This is a common question I have found people asking themselves. People have expressed to me that they have had the “first day at a new job” nervousness and when asked why, they couldn’t really tell me. Similarly, others have said they they found themselves avoiding going into town and when putting their discomfort aside and venturing in, finding themselves feeling incredibly anxious in a place they have known and frequented for years. Again, when asked why, they couldn’t tell me.

It can be very distressing to find that places you once enjoyed visiting are now places that hold negative feelings and even more so when you can’t pinpoint why you are feeling the way you are.

I’m going to explore several reasons why you might find yourself in this situation.

  • Big changes to your routine and lifestyle
    People that are used to going to work 5 days a week suddenly are at home 24/7, people who are still working don’t get to see friends and family to blow off steam. Everyone in the country had a period of adjustment when going into lock-down and after months of living like this, it’s only natural to need the same period of adjustment when lock-down eases. Disruption can be very uncomfortable and some of us are coming out of lock-down in a very different situation with the loss of jobs and loved ones.
  • Uncertainty
    Re-entering a familiar society with unfamiliar rules and restrictions can create a lot of uncertainty. We as humans can often struggle a lot with this and especially when we can’t base this on anything we have experienced in the past. Going into places and not knowing what to expect, having to navigate this situation potentially on your own. It can be very daunting.
  • Worried about doing something wrong
    Going the wrong way down an aisle, walking up to the bar when it’s now table service; no one likes feeling that their every move is being scrutinised or that they are being judged negatively by their peers.
  • Worried about catching or unknowingly passing on COVID
    This is pretty self-explanatory. Not everyone is going to stick to restrictions and rules and with the virus still present, it can easily be at the forefront of your mind. It is a rational concern and you won’t catch me at the pub anytime soon.

What can I do?

First I want to point out that feeling anxious about this situation is completely normal. If you find yourself questioning how you are going to cope with the constantly evolving rules, again that’s perfectly fine. To use 2020’s favourite word, this whole situation is ‘unprecedented.’ Not many of us have anything to base our next steps on.

There are three points I would like to make that I think you will find helpful going forward:

  1. Take your time
    Just because the world is re-opening, doesn’t mean you have to jump back in head-first. Plenty of people have decided to skip their holidays regardless of government advice. Not everyone will be going back to the pub today and with gyms supposedly opening in the next couple of weeks, I can’t see people flooding back to those either. If you don’t feel that it is safe to do so, then you have every right to stay at home. I know I will be. If you want to go shopping, maybe go at quieter times, go for a walk when it’s quieter. If you still want to do your online Tesco shop, absolutely fine. Don’t let people pressure you into going places and doing things you aren’t comfortable with.
  2. Communicate
    I cannot state this enough, it is okay to talk about how you are feeling. It is okay to speak out if you are struggling. It is okay to question things you don’t understand or aren’t sure of.
    Communication is key, I would argue now more than ever.
    If you are struggling with your mental health or feel like you are really struggling to reintegrate into society, speak to your GP. We have all been through our own version of lock-down, so just because your friend on Facebook is doing fine and dandy, doesn’t mean that it’s wrong or weak of you to feel any different.
    The same goes for returning to work. Speak to your employer if you have any concerns or questions about returning. No question is a stupid question. It might be that if you have a health condition, you may be asked to remain on furlough until further notice.
    Speak out about how you are feeling, reach out for help. If you don’t feel like there is anyone else, I’m always here.
  3. Be kind to yourself.
    Just because Margaret down the road is going out to the shops and sipping a pint in the pub, doesn’t mean that you have to be too. Looking after yourself, physically, mentally and emotionally is more important than keeping up appearances.

Final Note: if the place you are going to wants you to wear a mask, wear a mask. Unless you have medical exemption, there is no excuse not to be respectful of rules in someone else’s establishment. If someone wants to wear a mask where it’s not required, then again just be respectful. We’re all reaching for normality, the least you can do it be kind to others too.

A year in review

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Today I should be coming home from Japan, but as you may have guessed I didn’t get to go. It made me think of how different things are in comparison to last year. This time in 2019 I was taking a year off from work, living off my savings and even though I felt like I had made some progress, I was still over-planning, I was still unable to get to Birmingham and was a 50/50 chance I would get on the plane for my first holiday abroad.

This year I am working, going out for meals, coming off of medication and before COVID hit, I was actually 100% excited to go back to Tokyo. The change in myself is huge. Before lockdown, I was sitting in Yo! Sushi with my partner eating spicy food after a brief meet up with friends. That is something I could have only dreamed of even four months before.

I have a job which I enjoy and look forward to, it’s only part-time but after two six-day weeks with dining out, babysitting and the gym sprinkled in, I have proven to myself that I am able to take on more. I have attended food festivals, dined out and spent more time in Birmingham. I honestly owe a lot to my holiday last year.

No, I’m not cured. These things do not come easy and some days I still need to mentally prepare myself to walk out the door. I am, however, a lot more confident, a lot happier and I just know I can do whatever I put my mind to. I would say to anyone who is afraid to take the next step, not just in Agoraphobia recovery but in anything. Do it carefully, do it sensibly and you will not regret the decision to just do it. It could change your life.

So what’s next for me?

Well, I am planning more time away and even a solo holiday, but that may be a little further in the future. I’m getting out more, I’m hoping to be more confident around food and I MIGHT even socialise but let’s not get hasty.

Finally opening up for Mental Health Awareness Week

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This is something I have found particularly difficult to talk about, but I threw a strop yesterday, so here we are.

Today I will be talking about my obsessive and intrusive thoughts surrounding contamination, mainly around mould, insects and dirt. Despite dealing with this for over 20 years, I still find it difficult to describe it in an all-encompassing way.

Chances are, unless you are immediate family, you would never have known or noticed anything strange about my behaviour (other than general awkwardness). With it being part of daily life, I have picked up some little tricks to appear “normal”.

I remember as far back as primary school not wanting to share my crisps on the playground or not wanting anyone to touch my food. I wouldn’t share with members of my family and if they even grazed it, it was theirs. Since then it has kind of evolved.

There were times at uni when I wouldn’t eat or even go into the kitchen because we had an infestation of silverfish. Takeaway was my best friend and I had an abundance of disposable cutlery. Luckily that was only a year. For the other two years I kept my cutlery and dishes in my room, because as lovely and clean as my housemates were, I couldn’t stand the thought of anyone else using my stuff.

I can’t eat outside in spring/summer because there are so many flies around. There has been many a BBQ where I wave at people through the window as I eat my burger inside. I am forever mystified at people who have dinner outside and peaceful picnics are fictional as far as I’m concerned.

Cleaning without thick gloves is a definite no, otherwise my hands feel dirty for days, with no amount of scrubbing and washing will take the feeling away (also rubber gloves on fabric surfaces removes pet hair so easily…you’re welcome). I can’t prepare or eat food with my hands during this time, but hey, eating a scone with a knife and fork isn’t all that bad. As long as it is my own personal knife and fork of course.

There are a lot of nuances that quite honestly I don’t understand. I know it’s not rational, I don’t try to rationalise it. I just get on with it.

My family are used to my quirks. I can’t say they understand and I don’t expect them to, but they just let me get on with it.

It’s not a case of just getting over it, all the years of negative thinking and reinforcement has made it difficult to improve. Imagine trying to eat a live spider, how your body would react. That’s what I feel like trying to eat 2 day old bread. It just rejects it. Living with other people ensures that food does not go to waste and I am very aware that this sounds like an overdramatic first-world problem, I would like to point out that I am grateful for being able to afford the food that I want.

I do however hope that there is someone out there that understands, because it is quite a lonely feeling. No Google results come up with anything like this apart from maybe contamination OCD, but even then I don’t feel scared of getting sick…I don’t think. I am not diagnosed and don’t think I would be able to face going through any sort of therapy. The Agoraphobia recovery is enough (and it is going amazingly well, but more on that at a later date.) I guess in a way it is about control. When things get stressful, I find myself having a more difficult time. I don’t know. I will stop oversharing at some point.

I was in two minds whether to post this, but I had a strop yesterday when my pizza turned up with a dead fly on it. Wouldn’t have been a massive deal, but I was two mouthfuls in. I was sick and didn’t eat for the rest of the day. Today I am struggling, but I am cracking on the best I can. I just don’t want to go back to having to check through my entire meal for insects before I can eat. That’s not a fun time.

I will stop complaining about my life now, but I hope at least a couple of people out there don’t think I’m a massive weirdo and anyone that can relate, please reach out.

Happy #MentalHealthAwarenessWeek everyone!

My Mum

Al4 Comments

Two years ago today, we lost a fantastic, brave, clever lady who impacted so many people’s lives.

So often we feel like we can’t talk about our loved ones that have passed away out of fear we will make things feel awkward, or it looking like an attention seeking act. But you know what? Who cares?

Instead of feeling sad, I’ve decided to share more about her life and who she was to me.

So this is Jane.

She loved music with Download festival being her second home. She came with me to my first rock gig and I think she has seen more bands than I have.

Like any high-class woman, she loved a pint or 5 and was not afraid to make a fool of herself. I’m sure many of you have great memories and photos which you should definitely share!

She loved exploring our ancestry and often went on little trips to little towns to find out more. Always trying to talk my ear off about our past, sometimes I wish I’d acted more interested. Don’t think she would have been convinced though. She also loved taking walks around local manor houses and national trust sites. Clumber Park is still one of the places I feel closest to her. I remember the time I was bitten by a squirrel while walking there and neither her nor dad took my rabies worries seriously.

She might have been a funky lady, but she still made sure to embarrass me like a good mum should. Though I’m pretty sure my friends thought she was cooler than me anyway.

We’d spend hours learning useless trivia such as every country and it’s flag, all the elements of the periodic table…all those useful life skills. Didn’t quite manage the capital cities of the world, but I’ll get there one day.

When I used to walk home late at night in Birmingham, she’d get google street-view up so she could walk home with me and if I didn’t text her after a night out, she’d Facebook all my friends to see if I was safe. Let’s be honest though, no student is awake at 9am on a good day, never mind after a heavy night!

She was a great friend and an amazing mum and I know I’m not the only one who misses her everyday.

I hope she would be proud of me and what I’m doing with my life.

There’s so much I could share about her, all the funny memories, all the inside jokes, but I know a lot of you remember her in your own way and I would love to hear your stories and see your photos.

Living with Agoraphobia

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I thought I would post in honour of world mental health day.

I spoke before about what Agoraphobia is in this post, but today, I’m not talking about definitions and symptoms. I am talking about the daily lives of people living with this disorder and the realities of being Agoraphobic.

Everyone’s experience is going to be different. We all have different things that make us uncomfortable and we are all at different stages of recovery.

I think the best way to talk about this is using my own experience, rather than trying to generalise…so here it goes.

When I was first diagnosed, I had a lot of issues about a lot of things. Leaving my town or going on public transport was a big nope. In my mind I was thinking that if I got on a bus and started to panic, then I had two options. I could stay on the bus and have a panic attack, or I could get off the bus and wait half an hour to get on another bus home, alone and freaking out.

What is the best way to tackle this? Just don’t bother trying. Avoid it. At least that’s what you tell yourself, in reality, you are just making it worse.

I remember one time when I was a little better, I went to Nottingham for the day. We’d just had food and I was walking across the square. I just happened to look around me and noticed how many people there were. I instantly went dizzy and hot. I told my partner that I needed to leave. We started walking back to the car and and then it, one of my worse nightmares. I was sick. Right there in broad daylight in front of a crowd of people.

I had to sit down in a side street and pull myself together. I felt if I moved, I would be sick again. I was dizzy, nauseous, panicking and my head was fuzzy. I wanted to get back to the car, but I didn’t think I could make it safely back without being sick, falling over or dying. I was trapped.

It took about 20 minutes, but I finally managed to get up and drag myself back to the car. As soon as I closed the door, the feelings started to instantly subside. 30 seconds ago, my chest felt tight like I was having a heart attack and couldn’t breathe and had all the symptoms of the flu. Then once I was somewhere I felt safe, I felt better.

Even if I stuck with it and stayed, I would feel sick, extremely tired with a headache and walking round like I was in a dream for the rest of the day. It’s not pleasant.

It all might sound like an exaggeration, but I assure you it’s not. These physical symptoms are often the reason people with anxiety or panic disorders do what they can to avoid situations that make them feel uncomfortable.

The symptoms do feel like a heart attack crossed with a fever. Your chest is tight, you are hyperventilating, you are too hot and shaky, you feel sick and faint. Your fingers and toes go numb. Everything is louder and brighter, you can’t focus, you get confused and the only thing clear in your head is that you need to go home.

Even when you are not having a panic attack and you are just anxious, you can feel sick, your mind is fixated on how uncomfortable you feel, your heart is racing. It feels like you are waiting in the wings about to go on stage in front of hundreds of people, only to realise you don’t know your lines. It really doesn’t make for a nice day.

Agoraphobia can make you feel panicked in a room full of your immediate family and closest friends. It can make holidays and social events feel like a nightmare rather than a fun time. When I book in to have my hair done, there is a 50/50 chance I will make it. Other times I’ll be sat in McDonalds bathroom unable to come out.

I’m not looking for sympathy, I am trying to put it in a way that someone who has never experienced it can understand.

I have managed to make my way through most of this with a lot of hard work and therapy. I am stronger and I know myself better now I have fought this.

It’s not just feeling nervous or as easy as just stepping out of the house. It’s something you have to tackle consistently or you slide back down that slippery slope to being housebound again.

In other words, it’s pretty sh*t.

It’s not always like this though. I find comfort in going out and walking in nature. Some of my favourite places are the busiest (London, Brighton and Tokyo). When you achieve something, it honestly feels like you are invincible. It is such an amazing feeling.

I want to raise more awareness about this disorder because it is a lot more complex than people think.

Where have I been?

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So I haven’t posted in a while, but that will change soon. I have about 35 posts to write and schedule and PLENTY of ideas for future posts and series, so hopefully by the end of the month we’ll be back on it!

I haven’t just been sitting around however, I’ve:

  • Opened two online stores on Spreadshirt, one looking specifically at mental health and the other is for home decor posters to frame. I’ll put my links on the site once I have reworked some of the designs. (I’m hoping to open an online store with home made mental health stuff, but I need to find the time!)
  • Collaborated with a mental health team to give one of my items away as part of a their first anniversary celebration.
  • Been creating cool freebies for a mailing list I will be launching later in the month
  • Had one of my posts was published on a website, which is exciting!
  • Taken the next step to getting back on track and have been looking for jobs. Happy to say I have been offered a little part time position in my hometown which is perfect for me right now. I love my team and couldn’t be happier. I’m already feeling more confident.
  • Found a new love…crochet. I’m picking it up quite quickly, so I will be able to show you some of my little creations soon (hopefully!) I’m such a cool person

I’m working out most days now and choosing healthier food options. I’ve put on a fair bit of weight and am aiming to lose 1.5 stone by the end of the year.

As you might also be able to see, I have given the blog a little update. I fancied changing things up so I hope you like it! I’ll be making little changes here and there before I’m truly happy with it, but please give me some feedback.

Also as of today, I am back on the countdown to my next Tokyo Trip in June. I can’t wait and will definitely be writing a lot more about this.

It’s been a busy time.

Overall I am really doing well right now, this blog has given me purpose and I feel very motivated to continue to grow and learn.

Lots of exciting things ahead, so watch this space!

Mental Health vs The Sun

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So you’re sat outside in the sun, hanging out in the park. It’s 33c and you are wearing weather appropriate clothing. The next thing you know your anxiety is through the roof and you have to go home. Sound familiar?

Those of you in the UK will know, it’s a bit warm and it’s set to get warmer.

For many it is a time to get to the beach, hang out at the pub or go on an adventure.

Not for all of us.

Hot weather can be tough for a lot of people and for those with mental and physical illnesses it can feel impossible. I saw a few people in the Twitter community who cancelled their plans or cut plans short due to the heat affecting their mental health.

But why is this?

The Science

On a hot day, our body is fighting hard to keep our body temperature within a normal range. In order to cool down, we tend to sweat more and our capillaries dilate to increase the rate of heat loss.

Good stuff.

However, our heart rate also increases and blood pressure rises.
Studies show that hot weather has been linked to higher levels of irritability and lower concentration and mood.

All this combined with a poor quality of sleep due to humidity and heat, is a bad mixture for those with mental health issues.

My Experience

Tiredness, irritability and high heart rate is an unfortunate combination which can culminate in a panic attack. For me feeling hot with an increased heart rate is a sign that I’m panicking. So when I’m too hot, the physical reaction tells my brain I am panicking, when in reality, I’m not. But the thought that I might be panicking, causes me to panic.
I love the human brain sometimes.
So logical.

Increased irritability also makes me less tolerant of people. In a busy place, instead of being calm and working through it, it’s just so easy to get overwhelmed. Again. Panic.

How to help yourself

You may be tempted to just stay inside and avoid making any plans during the hot weather, but do you really want to miss out on a nice day?

While it will take some perseverance, having fun during a heatwave is possible.

Plan accordingly. If you are out in the sun all day you want water and sun cream. Dehydration increases the risk of heat related illnesses and suncream is always important. Dress in a way that makes you feel comfortable, but will also prevent you from overheating. Cotton and linen are good materials as they are light and airy.

Choose your destination. Maybe avoid sitting inside when eating at a restaurant or avoid using the oven when at home. Avoid staying in confined spaces for an extended period of time. Anything that is going to make you feel warmer just be careful. Why not go to the beach, to the park or go swimming?
If you are going to be somewhere where it will be warmer, keep drinking water and maybe splash your face from time to time to stay cool.

Helpful purchase. A small handheld electric fan can be a lifesaver, especially if you find yourself on public transport or a busy place. Make sure you pack some spare batteries!

Working? Again wearing light clothing, ensuring that you have access to a fan and eating cooler foods such as a salad can make a big difference. Take frequent breaks and If you do feel like the heat is affecting your health make sure you let your boss know. Employees have a right to a safe working environment.

Remind yourself that if you are feeling hot, you are not panicking. It’s just hot. Then maybe take some time inside or in the shade to cool down.

These things all sound relatively basic, but taking extra care in the heat can really help you face a hot day.

Last but certainly not least, be kind to yourself.
Being too hot isn’t a pleasant experience for anyone and it can be daunting to make plans in the midst of a heatwave. If you need to head home for a shower or need a couple of minutes in front of a fan, that’s okay. Don’t make yourself ill.

Also as a side note, make sure you check on elderly or vulnerable neighbours and family during the heat to make sure they have the means to stay cool.

Stay safe and look out for each other my dudes and dudettes!

5 Little Signs Of Depression

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Now I want to make this very clear. This is not a diagnosis. There are many other things these symptoms could indicate. If you are worried about any changes you have noticed or feel something is not quite right, please speak to a GP.

I want to make a blog post around this topic as depression is often spoken about as sadness and not getting out of bed. If you find yourself struggling in your day to day life, it might be good to speak to a professional.

Aches and pains

While researching for this post, I came across this symptom that I wasn’t aware of.
Muscle aches can be an indicator of psychological distress. While research in this area is limited, there have been some recent studies suggesting a direct link between muscle ache and depression. Click here, here and here for more information. Obviously muscle aches can be the result of a number of different ailments, but keep an eye on any other symptoms that may present.

Can’t make up your mind

Having trouble making the simplest of decisions? It could be fear of making the wrong one, it could be low self-esteem. It could be depression. Depression can cause cognitive impairments such as an effect on decision making and memory. There has been a lot of research looking into this, I feel like I have linked a lot of articles in this blog, so I would really encourage you to go out and do some more research.

You find yourself up at night

You often here tales of people that stay in bed all day with the curtains closed, which can happen. However, insomnia and trouble getting to sleep/staying asleep can be a sign of depression. Bad quality sleep can lead to lack of concentration, irritability and lower cognitive functioning.

Your toilet habits have suddenly changed

Believe it or not, there is a well documented connection between mental health issues and digestive issues. See here, here and here. When it comes to depression, research suggests that constipation and abdominal pain are symptoms to be aware of.
Change in diet, medication, lifestyle change or stress can be factors that contribute to changes in the way your digestive system functions. Again, just keep an eye on it and if it persists, see your GP. Depression or not, it maybe an indicator of other health issues.

You find yourself getting irritated over the little things

Do you find yourself getting angry at the smallest inconvenience? Are you becoming noticeably more irritable? Irritability and anger are commonly overlooked when it comes to depression. There are documented cases of people going years without getting a diagnosis, discussed here. One idea is based on Freud’s theory that depression is anger turned inwards, however other believe that this is a simplistic approach.
There are other conditions that cause people to be quick to anger, however if you find yourself in this position, I would advise speaking with someone. Unresolved maladaptive anger can develop into further issues.

So if you find yourself with any of these symptoms, it may be worth looking into. Depression or not, it might indicate underlying issues, so don’t tell yourself it’s nothing or make an excuse. You might find that a trip to the doctor can make everyday that little easier.

Safe Spaces: Are They Useful?

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Safe spaces; it’s safe to say that this phrase has caused a lot of controversy over the past couple of years, with institutions like Universities offering places for students to be in a space free of conflict and bias while the students are then being branded “special snowflakes.”
As someone who has never needed one of these safe spaces, I will refrain from giving my opinion and leave that to the people who are more invested in the subject.

I want to instead talk about safe spaces in regards to anxiety. This is not a place for a collective to gather, it is a place for an anxious person to feel…well…safe. Most times for an Agoraphobic, this will be at home. A place where they won’t be subject to stressful stimuli or panic attacks.

A safe space where you can sit and take a moment to breathe, a place you aim to get to. For me safe spaces are my home, my sisters, my nans, a car and a toilet. When I was going away, the lounge was safe space, the plane was a safe space and the hotel was a safe space.

These are places I am not constantly thinking about the world around me and super aware of every little thing my body is feeling. It’s a place I can eat, a place where I can enjoy myself.

But the question is, are they truly helpful?

A safe space can help reduce your anxiety, it is a place to recharge and a place to just be you. For a lot of us this space is somewhere we want to be, somewhere we can’t wait to get back to.

And that’s part of the problem.

A couple of posts ago, I spoke about safety behaviours. These are things that we do to trick ourselves into thinking that we are safer, when in reality we aren’t in danger in the first place. Examples are taking medication before you go out or carrying it with you, wearing non-restrictive clothing or going out with a person who you deem as a ‘safe’ person. These are behaviours that are unhelpful and a hindrance rather than a help.

Safe spaces act in a similar way. By viewing your house as a safe space, you are in effect calling all other areas that are not your house (or other places that you have given this label) unsafe. Like a safety behaviour, you are perpetuating the idea that there is danger. In reality this isn’t the case.

I’m not going to lie, I still use these and usually don’t realise I’m doing it. I go out on adventures and tell myself I can do it because chances are there will be a toilet or quiet pub I can sit in for a bit if it gets too much. I am in effect giving myself a safe space everywhere I go. While it has really helped me get out and go further than I thought was possible, in the grand scheme of things it hasn’t helped at all.

A good example of this is when I was travelling to the hotel in Tokyo. I didn’t think there was a toilet for the 2 hour bus journey. I was convinced as soon as the bus pulled off that I needed the loo and spent the first hour with my eyes closed praying that I would make it to the hotel toilets. Then I saw someone get up and use the hidden toilet at the back of the bus and all of a sudden the urge completely disappeared and I was fine.
The knowledge that I had access to the toilet and had an assigned seat next to the window was enough for me to now view the bus as a safe space. Once the perceived danger was removed, I felt completely different.

It’s not good for you and while you might feel like it is helping, I can promise you it isn’t. I can’t say that I have tried to change my thought process, but it is something I am figuring out. It’s the way I have thought for years now, even when I was younger I hated being away from home, even just for dinner at a friends house after school. I guess I was always destined to be a homebody.
It’s a long road, but if I don’t change my thinking, becoming housebound again could be on the horizon. Quite frankly, I’m not about that life.

Aim for the whole world be your safe space, you got this!

After Life: An Accurate Portrayal Of Grief & Depression?

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I know, I know. I’m definitely late to this show. But given the topic of my last post, I thought it would be a good time to review this.

Spoiler warning! If you plan on watching this and don’t want it to be spoiled for you, I would recommend whacking on Netflix and giving it a watch before you read this. There are only 6 episodes and I got through it in one evening.

I thought I was going to watch this an offer my honest thoughts and feelings episode by episode writing as I watched. However after writing it, I decided that I would sleep on it as it was quite an emotional rollercoaster and that I would sleep on it to give a bit more of a clear headed perspective.

So the plot basics, we meet Tony, a guy who has lost his wife during the year to cancer. He has a father who has alzheimer’s, a job he finds unfulfilling and a dog that continuously stops him from killing himself. She also happens to be the cutest dog on the planet. The series covers his life over what looks like a month or so and how he deals with his grief.

The Pros…

I laughed, I cried, like I said it was a rollercoaster of emotion. The situation in general was very similar to what we as a family were going through at the time, so it definitely struck a chord.

The show offers a very unique perspective on grief. Unlike in films where they lay about on the settee eating ice cream and finding the perfect partner at the end, in a way romanticizing it. We are looking at a man who has been through the initial stage of shock and denial and is pining, angry and depressed. It offers a real look into the symptoms of grief and the aftermath of losing someone very close to you in an honest and unapologetic way.
My absolute favourite parts were where Tony is dealing with people in his everyday life that know his situation but can’t relate and he seems so isolated. Then out of nowhere, he has little moments with people who understand and the connection is so bittersweet and raw. For example, when he goes to the house to interview an old man who received 5 of the same card for this birthday. He initially is uninterested and thinks that this is a complete waste of his time. The old man then reveals that his wife has died and that it’s funny little stories like this he wants to tell her and then remembers that she is no longer there. But little things like getting these 5 cards that just make his day a little brighter.

We also get into the darker side of grief. Julian is a homeless drug user that Tony decides to buy heroin from to escape his reality. Tony states that there’s no point in worrying about it as there is nothing to live for, if it gets bad he can always kill himself. As we get further into the series, it is revealed that Julian lost his girlfriend to a drug overdose and this is how he gets through the day, telling Tony that if he had the money he would buy as many drugs as he could and overdose. Tony gives him the money and Julian kills himself. It shows that grief can lead to difficult, mal-adaptive coping behaviours. Without a support network and ways to properly cope with the loss, he lives a life trying to numb the pain and ultimately dies sad and alone.

The whole show has different people coping with loss in different ways, such as the lovely lady, Anne who sits on the bench and chats to her husband’s grave. She teaches him that life isn’t all about him and that making other people happy can ultimately make him happy. There is also a moment in which she says that she loves her husband so much that she would rather she be without him than he be without her. The friendship he builds with her is definitely my favourite.

The theme of depression is also prominent throughout the series. I thought it was very well written and acted. The unwashed dishes, the messy house, the suicidal intent, the anger. I especially liked the bit where he has no dishes and no milk so he just drank watery cereal. For me, it did not portray depression in this romanticised way that is common in today’s society. It was a very real, very uncensored take.

All the characters are really well written and they play an important role on the pathway through grief. I won’t go on about all the bits I loved, but know that it was the majority of the series.

The Cons…

While I did enjoy this show, there were a few things that I personally didn’t gel with.

The ending in which he gets a bike for the kid who he threatened was a little cheesy for my taste, I didn’t really think it was needed, but again just my personal opinion.

Also the psychiatrist he was seeing rubbed me the wrong way. While yes, I did find their interaction funny, I think it was a bad representation of an already fairly stigmatised treatment path. Maybe I am approaching this as a psychology grad, maybe I’m being too serious about this, but instead of ending where it turns out the psychiatrist has been enabling him to find his own path, it just ends where he decides he no longer needs to go anymore and offers a better insight than as to how he should cope and why. Not everyone needs professional help, but I think indicating that it is unhelpful isn’t the best way to approach this.

Another issue I had was the scenes where Tony is smoking heroin. The drug taking thing does not bother me at all and like I said earlier it shows the darker side of grief and coping with depression. My issue is that it was heroin, one of the most addictive drugs out there. A one hit and you’re hooked kinda deal. It seemed that even after taking heroin twice, there was no consequences and I feel like it was kind of treated like weed. Now there will be a second season, so maybe this will look at the drug addiction thing, but they have already broached this subject with Julian, so guess we will have to wait and see.

Linking to this and as I mentioned in part of the pros section, Tony has developed a kind of friendship with his drug dealer and eventually gives him the money he needs to overdose. I don’t feel like there is much of a reaction. While I think he feels that he had done the right thing because he knows what the dealer is feeling, there is no remorse even after he finds his own path through grief and he just carries on like he hasn’t just committed manslaughter. I kind of get it, but at the same time I think it was kinda swept under the carpet a little bit. Again though, there is a season 2, so maybe it will build on this.

One of the main issues for me is that although it was a great show, it did feel like the whole process was rushed. From multiple almost suicide attempts, anger and stating that the only thing that could make him happy is having his wife back, to going out for a drink with someone and moving into acceptance within a couple of episodes. It did feel a little rushed for me, but that might not have been the case for everyone. They did show the struggle and they did it very well, but I feel one like one minute he was going to drown himself in the sea and taking heroin and the next minute he is buying bikes for kids and asking people for drinks.

Final Verdict…

There were a few reviews I was looking at when writing this post that said that it was unrealistic and said “so he thinks it’s okay to treat people like crap just because he has lost someone? I switched off” And I have to say, I completely disagree with them. As mentioned in my previous post, grief is a very personal thing and the show really reflects the anger, the frustration, the wanting to be left alone and the maladaptive behaviours that can come with losing someone. I feel like maybe if you haven’t experienced loss like this, you might not get as much out of it. I would definitely give this one a watch though. While it may not be perfect and maybe a little rushed, it is not afraid to tackle very real topics and do them justice, while injecting Ricky’s dry and sarcastic humour.

Overall, I would give this show a 8/10 and can’t wait for the second season.

Coping With Loss: A Guide For All

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Losing someone in your life is never an easy thing. Whether it be your mum, your grandparent or your dog, loss affects us all. Despite this, it is still a taboo subject in many cultures and it is common to try to distance yourself from the topic of death.

This blog aims to be a guide for those who have lost someone, those who are supporting them and employers. I am not a health professional and therefore I have linked various websites throughout the post that expand on things I mention.

Before I talk about how to cope with loss, I would first like to define the words surrounding this topic.

Bereavement
This term is regularly used interchangeably with the term grief or mourning. However, I will be using it to describe the time after loss in which grief is experienced and mourning rituals take place.

Grief
I will be using the term grief to describe the reaction to loss. A mental, emotional, social and physical reaction. This can take shape in a number of ways depending a lot on the way a person passed, your beliefs and age.

Mourning
I will be using this term to describe the way in which a person overtly expresses grief and the process/rituals of adapting/coming to terms with this change. This again is displayed in many different ways dependent on culture, religion and relationship with the deceased. For example, funerals are a way of mourning,

Types of grief

There are many different types of grief we can experience, but this blog is going to be long enough already, so I will look at the 4 basic types of grief. Click this link to learn about the different types.

Acute Grief
This is experienced directly after loss and can be very intense. For someone experiencing it for the first time, the rollercoaster of emotions can be quite frightening. Be assured that what you are experiencing is completely normal and pretty much expected. Symptoms can include tearfulness, numbness, insomnia, shock, breathlessness, anger and depersonalisation. I have included a link to a fact sheet with a comprehensive list of symptoms here.

From this we will eventually move on to “integrated grief.” This is where we are able to look back at happy memories of the deceased and the grief we experience is not overwhelming. Many people will often have a more positive outlook during this stage. This is all part of the “uncomplicated grief” process, which I will be discussing next. Others may move into complicated grief, which I will speak about later.

Uncomplicated Grief
I have also seen this called normal grief, however I won’t be using that term. Grief is a very personal thing that can present in different ways, so for that reason I will refer to it as ‘uncomplicated grief.’

Many people know the 5 stages of grief to be denial, sadness, anger, bargaining, acceptance. While these emotions and behaviours can be experienced during the process, this is more of a guide than a rigid structure. Some people may skip backwards and forwards between stages, others may not experience all of these.

There are other models of grief which I have linked here. Grief can last for months or years, some theorise that it is never fully resolved. Birthdays and Christmas’ can be particularly difficult, even years later.

There are physical symptoms such as insomnia, change in appetite, illness and feeling sick. If these symptoms persist and do not fade overtime however, please speak to your GP.

Social symptoms: Withdrawal, again if this persists, please speak with you GP.

Emotional symptoms: shock and numbness are often experienced in the early stages of grief. Other common symptoms include sadness, anger, guilt.

Again I have links here and here for a better insight into the symptoms. It is important to remember that everyone grieves in their own way and there is no wrong way to do it.
However, I would argue that if you are turning to excessive alcohol use/drug use/abusive behaviour, I would seek help ASAP.

As mentioned above if symptoms persist that impact your day to day life, please contact your doctor. I will speak more about this in the next section.

Complicated grief
Grieving is an important process and working through it in your own time is vital. However, it is also possible to get ‘stuck’ at a certain stage of grief. Someone experiencing complicated grief may experience continuing debilitating symptoms such as intense, persistent pining, isolation, continued guilt and self-blame, depression and an inability to carry out their everyday routine.

The relation to the deceased, other existing mental health problems and the circumstances surrounding their death may contribute to the development of complicated grief.
This needs to be addressed as soon as possible as if left, can develop into mental health or even physical issues.

If you feel like you are experiencing complicated or prolonged grieving, please contact your GP to look at your options

More information can be found here and here

Anticipatory Grief
While grief usually occurs after the death of a loved one, anticipatory grief is a little different. This type of grief is common amongst families and friends supporting someone with a terminal illness, it can also be experienced by the ill person too. Symptoms experienced can be the same as grief after death, also accompanied by feelings of dread.

Mental and physical exhaustion can also be experienced if you are a primary carer for your loved one. If you are aware that passing is fast approaching, every phone call, every change is very stressful and again can lead to exhaustion.

Grief can also be experienced as a response to decline health, change in cognitive functioning or physical abilities.

I will talk more about how to cope with anticipatory grief in the next section. Please see this and this and this link which goes into more depth.

Coping with loss

The death of a loved one is often the worst thing a person will experience and unfortunately everyone will experience loss in their lives. This next section will look at coping with loss as the bereaved, as a support network and as an employer. I will also add an extra section at the end briefly looking at coping with grief as someone with a terminal illness. Links to organisations that can provide support will be added at the end of this post.

The bereaved
As mentioned before, grief takes many forms and can affect you mentally, emotionally, socially and physically, so it is important to keep this in mind when you are working your way through the grief process.

Express yourself: There is nothing wrong with expressing your emotions while you are grieving. If you need a good cry, have a good cry, if you don’t feel the need to cry, don’t feel guilty about it. Everyone is different and there is no shame in expressing how you feel. It is healthy, especially during this time.

Talk to someone: Again there is nothing wrong with needing some extra help while you are grieving. There are counsellors/therapists trained especially for this situation that will listen to you with no judgement. They can be helpful in helping you to process your thoughts and emotions. However, if this is not something you feel comfortable with, talk to a friend, talk to a family member. People will be there to help you.

Take your time: Just because someone else seems to have moved through the initial stages of grief quicker than you, don’t feel like you need to push yourself to do the same. As I have said a million times in this article, grief is extremely personal. If however you do feel like you are unable to process your situation, please talk to someone.

Look after yourself: During this time self-care can be low on your list of priorities, however self-care is very important. Take some time for yourself if you need to, do something you enjoy, go out for a walk. By purely focusing on others or any paperwork and arrangements, it is easy to feel overwhelmed and stressed. You deserve to take some time for you.

Anticipatory Grief
As mentioned before, unlike other forms of grieving, anticipatory grief occurs prior to the death of a loved one. Dealing with this type of grief is similar to dealing with the above.
However, in addition to the above tips, there are the following things to consider:

Communicate: During this time, speak with your loved one about any unresolved issues, say things that you need to say.
“I love you”
“We will be okay”
“I’m sorry that…”
This is a chance for you to say goodbye and for you both to find peace and closure.

Communication is also important for the family. This time can be very stressful and emotions can run high. Keep open lines of communication and ensure that you are supporting each other. It is a very difficult time for all of you.

Talk about it: I tried my best to ignore it and hopefully it would all go away. I often refused to accept what was happening. Talking about it with other people can be comforting and can also help you find acceptance. Ignoring the situation will not make it go away.

Focus on quality of life: You both are aware nothing can be done and the inevitable will happen, but there is nothing to stop you from making the most of your time together. Ensuring that your loved one is comfortable, has everything they want and has some valuable time with you can mean a lot.
I remember coming home from work and sitting with mum, working our way through Gavin and Stacey and having a laugh. I just wish we’d had more time.

Supporting the bereaved
It can be difficult to comfort someone who has experienced loss, especially if this is not something you have experienced yourself. People tend to be worried about saying the same thing or their mind will just go blank. It’s a normal response, death isn’t a part of our everyday life and the person you know will be acting differently to what you are used to. However, being there for someone is easier than you think.

Let them know you are there: Reach out to the bereaved and let them know that you are there with a cup of tea and a chat if they need it. Don’t suggest public places as it can really discourage someone from opening up. Instead make sure you meet in a safe environment where they feel like they can talk and express themselves. Sometimes the person may not want to meet up and may need time for themselves, so don’t feel offended if they decline their offer. Just knowing that you are there can be a huge comfort.

Listen: For most of the time, people don’t know what to say, but in reality nothing you can say is going to magically make them better. Just ask how they are doing, if there is anything you can do for them and just listen to what they have to say.
Refrain from comparing their situation to something you have gone through yourself. It is important not to detract from their own feelings and situation. Let them express themselves, that is the important thing.

Be open and accepting of emotion: Be aware that their mood may swing from sadness, to appearing okay, to anger. This is natural. Don’t assume how they are feeling, for example “you must feel really sad”, if someone is having a more positive day, they may feel guilty that they aren’t feeling sad.

Look after yourself: I mentioned this in my ways to help someone with a mental illness post. Looking after yourself is very important too. Just because you are not acquainted with the person that has passed, does not mean that the reactions of your loved one and the situation itself will not affect you. Make sure you take time for yourself and address any feelings you may have.

Do something together: Maybe not in the first week or so, but maybe ask them out for a walk or get together for a film night. Getting them out of the house and doing something can make them feel like they have a support network and a change in environment can work wonders.

Employers
It can be difficult to know how to broach the subject of bereavement, even with policies in place. How much time do they need? When should I contact them about return to work? How do I manage their return to work?

The Law
The law entitles employees to take time off for emergencies, such as bereavement. During this time, there is no obligation to pay your employee, however as someone who has experienced bereavement, the last thing a person needs after they have lost someone, is added worry of bills if they don’t go to work. This might encourage someone to return before they are ready and that is not beneficial for them or you. So that’s something to consider.

My place of work were incredibly kind and understanding, I was allowed to work from home in what turned out to be mum’s final days, they offered my paid leave, sent me flowers and checked in with me. They contacted me about returning to work after a couple of weeks and were very understanding throughout the whole process.

Returning to work
Get in touch with your employee and offer your condolences, this lets them know you are thinking about them and creates a situation in which your employee feels that they are able to discuss this with you.

It is important that while you should not contact them regarding this in the first week or so, that you open a discussion about when they anticipate returning to work. Listen to them and act appropriately. Be mindful of the employees religion and customs as this may take place over a number of days.

Once they return to work, set up a meeting to gage how they are feeling and let them know that if they need any adjustments to ease them back into work, that these are arranged. It may be working from home, it may be a reduction in workload or it could be where they are placed on a shop floor. You must remember that even though your employee has returned to work, cognitively, physically and emotionally, they are still recovering and may not be at peak performance. Regular catch ups are very useful to see how your employee is coping and whether normal work roles can be reintroduced.

Further information regarding this can be found in this comprehensive guide (see link).

Following policy is important, but please keep in mind that you are dealing with a person, not just a member of the workforce.

Coping with terminal illness
This blog has spoken about relatives, colleagues and friends, however it is also important to recognise that those with terminal illness’ also experience grief.
If you find yourself in this situation, it can be frightening and isolating.

There are many steps you can take to easy the anxiety:

Talk to someone: Whether it be friends and family, a professional or with others experiencing the same thing. Talking about how you feel and expressing yourself can be a great way to get things off your chest and out into the open.

Make your arrangements: You may have many questions such as
“what will happen to my body?”
“How will my family cope?”
By making arrangements and sorting out your affairs can put your mind at rest as you won’t be left with unanswered questions.

Take it one step at a time: The news that you have a terminal illness can put you in a state of shock, numbness or feel completely overwhelmed. Write down your worries, things you’d like to do and things you want to get sorted. Don’t rush into everything all at once and cause yourself more stress. Take things one step at a time and ask for help if you need it.

Let people know how you feel: Tell people you love them, that you’re proud of them. Speak with people and work out your differences, I spoke a little bit about this further up.

Organisations and links

I have put a list of links down below as well as scattering them throughout the article. Please take your time to read through them and seek help if you need it

You are not alone

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/end-of-life-care/coping-with-a-terminal-illness/
https://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/coping/dying-with-cancer/coping-with-the-news/finding-out-you-are-dying https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2691160/ http://www.npaonline.org/sites/default/files/8.%20Loss,%20Grief,%20and%20Bereavement_Smith.pdf
https://www.cruse.org.uk/
https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/



More Than Just A Mental Illness

AlLeave a comment

So I know I have spoken a lot about mental health (that is the theme of the blog after all).
I’d like to think that there’s more to me than just a disorder. So I thought I’d dedicate this post to myself and give you all some facts about me that you never asked for. Enjoy!

1. Were you named after anyone? 
My parents named me after someones dog…thanks guys

2. 3 things that make you happy?
Family, goats and horror films

3. Do you have kids?
Nope, but the more time I spend with my niece, the broodier I get.

4. Choose a superpower
Teleportation for sure! Want to visit a country? Boop. Woke up late for work? Boop. Really fancy Mexican food but you live in the middle of nowhere? Boop.

5. Tea or coffee?
A nice decaf tea, milk, no sugar please 😁

6. How tall are you?
A boring 5’5, average (I think)

7. Would you bungee jump? 
You could not pay me enough!

8. Favourite film?
Genuinely couldn’t pick one, so have my top 3: REC, Lost in Translation and The Room

9. What is the first thing you notice about people?
Probably what they are wearing

10. Favourite game?
Silent Hill 2 (I.D.S.T <3)

11. What is the least favourite thing about yourself?
My nose! It is the size of a small country!

12. Who do you miss the most?
Obvious answer here, my mum. I miss her everyday

13. What is your favourite song at the moment?
Joji – Slow Dancing in the Dark
I’m O B S E S S E D

14. What did you want to be when you grew up?
FBI agent (thank you x files) or a storm chaser. Would still jump at the chance to do either!

15. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be?
White for sure! I’m super pale and no one really wants me there.

16. Favourite smells?
Freshly baked bread, citrus candles and petrol!

17. Mountain hideaway or beach house?
 Definitely the beach, I love being by the sea

18. Favourite sport to watch?
Rugby Union! Although figure skating looks pretty darn cool

19. Hobbies?
Gaming, painting, watching scary films, going on adventures and writing for you lovely people.

20. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
I have a couple of places I want to visit: Israel, Tanzania, Korea, Singapore, Norway and Canada

21. Favourite Food?
Either donuts (fried with sugar), Japanese french toast, grapes or pato taquito 🤤  

22. Summer or Winter?
Winter, no contest! I have terrible hayfever

23. Hugs or kisses? 
Not a huge fan of either, but if I had to pick, hugs

24. Recommend a book
Autobiography: Girl with 7 names by Lee Hyeon-seo
Creepy: Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk
Mystery: No Time for Goodbyes by Linwood Barclay
Hopefully one of those will take your fancy

25. Any tattoos?
No, but I’ve had a design for about 9 years which I’m too scared to get done

26. If you could change something about your home, without worry about expense or mess, what would you do?
Indoor pool and sauna 100%

27. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
Chernobyl, it was equal parts amazing and sad

28. What scares you the most?  
Silverfish, they’re super fast, have too many legs and quite frankly are devil spawn

29. What do you think is the most important ingredient for a successful relationship?
Honesty

30. What do you hope to achieve by the end of the year?
Be able to do a push-up and get back to earning money and being a financially, emotionally stable dudette.

Bonus! My favourite colour is orange. So now you know.

I feel like I’ve channeled my 2008 Myspace self, posting on the message board.
Feel free to use this and let people know you are more than just your mental health.

5 Easy Ways To Help Someone With A Mental Illness

Al1 Comment

I’m sure a lot of people reading this blog have at some point in their life been affected by mental illness. Whether that be yourself or someone you know.

Sometimes it can feel like you don’t know what to say, how to help or what to do. I know that even when I approach someone else going through the same thing, I can find it difficult to know what to say.

That said, you don’t have to be a therapist or a master of advice to help.

I have compiled a list of 5 things I think could help anyone supporting someone having a rough time or opening up to you about their mental illness.

Obviously this is not an exhaustive list and if people are interested I may look at making a guide for email subscribers, let me know!

1. Hold them accountable for their behaviour

Now I’m not saying call them out when they are trying to cope with their situation in a positive way. Not at all.
But…
If you are helping someone it is important to set boundaries and let them know what behaviours are unacceptable or dangerous.
For example, abuse behaviour or language targeted at you should not be tolerated. Having a mental illness does not give you a free pass to treat people poorly. Ensuring that they are accountable for their behaviour protects the well being of both of you.

2. Don’t judge

Now this may sound contradictory to what I have just said. However, there is a big difference between judging someone and holding them accountable for their actions/words.
If your friend, family member, colleague approached you and confides in you about an issue you they having, the last thing they need is “don’t be silly” or “it’s just a crowd of people.” Understand what they are saying and keep an open-mind.

3. Research

There’s never any harm in doing a bit of research.
Mental health issues are often more complex than what the media shows e.g. depression is not sadness and Agoraphobia is not being scared of open spaces.
A bit of research can help both of you create a more supportive and trusting relationship.
A little understanding goes a long way.

4. Listen

This ties in with what I have said before. If someone opens up to you, it doesn’t matter if you have experienced something similar, have a degree in psychology or have your own thoughts about the topic.
Stop.
There’s nothing worse than trying to explain what you are going through to have someone else interject with “faux professional advice” or brushing off what you are saying.
Just listen.
Hear what they have to say, ask any questions you have, just give them space to talk. Everyone’s experience is different and while advice is fine, wait for them to ask.

5. Take care of yourself

This to me is the most important thing.
Helping someone is not easy, it can be difficult and stressful. Make sure you look after yourself mentally and physically and give yourself space if you need to.
Remember, you can’t help someone if you aren’t looking after yourself.

Thank You

AlLeave a comment

Thank you to Rachel my old therapist, you have no idea how much you have changed my life.

Thank you to my doctor who has been the most supportive understanding.

Thank you to the lovely “try before you fly” ladies at East Midlands Airport who helped me overcome a huge hurdle in time for my holiday.

Thank you to the friends of friends who have liked this blog, nice to meet you.

Thank you to my family that have accepted this change in me with kindness, understanding and patience.

Thank you to my lovely partner for sticking by me every step of the way and never doubting me for a moment. (but not for burping when I start to talk)

Thank you to my friends who have reached out now I’m finally back and those I know still have my back. We should go for coffee.

Thank you to the people I don’t know who support me, I hope I keep it interesting.

Thank you to the people I have met on this journey that are in the same boat. We’ll get there.

Thank you to the people that will discover this blog for the first time, it’s nice to have you.

I appreciate every single one of you.

What Is Agoraphobia?

AlLeave a comment

Many believe that agoraphobia is a fear of open spaces, the reality is, it’s a lot more complex than that…


Photo by Denisse Leon on Unsplash

Lets Start at the beginning
The term agoraphobia was coined in 1981 by German Psychiatrist Carl Westphal, when he noted his patients would get anxious when out in social places. The term deriving from the Greek ‘agora’ meaning marketplace and ‘phobia’ meaning fear.

Research bringing about therapies and medication development for panic disorders in general was built upon through the decades, with notable contributions from Henri Legrand Du Saulle in 1878.

Modern day statistics and definitions
Agoraphobia is a complex disorder that manifests in a number of ways. It is usually characterised by fear and usually avoidance of being in a situation you perceive as being difficult to escape from, or unsafe. You may also find it difficult to be away from home or travel beyond a certain distance from home.

Examples of situations Agoraphobics may find stressful are eating with friends at a restaurant, riding on public transport, being alone or even standing in line.

In the UK, is is thought that 2 in 100 people will develop a panic disorder at some point in their life, with 1/3 of those going on to develop agoraphobia. Onset usually occurs between ages of 18-35 and is most prevalent in women. However, many people around the world of all ages, genders and ethnicity’s can develop agoraphobia.

You can find some more information here

Causes

I won’t give an in-depth look into causes as there are many.
It could be the result of another disorder such as depression, it could be the result of a traumatic event such as abuse or bereavement or it could be a number of other environmental/biological factors.
It could develop after having a panic attack in a certain situation or place leading to avoidance.
I could seriously write a whole book about this, so I’ll leave it at that.

Symptoms

There are both physical symptoms and cognitions that lead to changes in behaviour. Not all people experience every one of the following. Some people experience different symptoms depending on the severity of their disorder and their triggers; however these are some examples:

Physical

Sweating
Heart Palpitations
Increased heart-rate
Dizziness
Nausea
Hyperventilating
Feeling faint
Feeling of needing the toilet
Dry Mouth/Difficulty swallowing
Dissociation
Tiredness
Shaking
Tingling in arms and legs

Cognitive

Fear of embarrassment
Fear of incontinence
Fear of drawing attention to yourself
Fear of dying
Fear of having a panic attack
Fear that escape is difficult/impossible
Fear of being alone in social situations
Fear of vomiting
“I need to leave now”

Behaviour

Avoiding certain situations or places such as busy streets, public transport or restaurants.
Cutting contact with friends
Becoming housebound
Leaving the house only with a trusted person. i.e. family member or partner
Safety behaviours (see my post on this topic)

Please note, this is in no way meant to diagnose anyone with a panic disorder, if you feel that any of this relates to you, I would recommend that you speak to your GP.

Treatments

Again, this is a subject I could talk about all day, so I will limit this section to popular treatments and ones I have personally tried.

Therapy

Therapy is a great way to discover techniques and tools you can use to combat anxiety in your everyday life. Below are a couple of avenues you could take, however there are many options available to you so make sure to do some research and find something that works best for you.

CBT
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is a form of short-course therapy which can usually be accessed via the NHS for those living in the UK.
The premise is basically that the way you think about a certain situation can influence the way you feel and behave.
E.g. What if I have a panic attack? (thought) = stress and anxiety (feeling) + avoidance (behaviour)
The idea is to work with your therapist to help identify these negative thoughts and with weekly sessions/homework, aim to challenge these thoughts.
CBT is one of the most common and effective ways to treat anxiety and agoraphobia.
I did an 8 week course of CBT and it really did help, I will talk about it in a later post.

Exposure Therapy
The idea of exposure therapy is that you face the situation or stimuli that you are afraid of, whether it be in real life, visualisation or VR. Within this therapy, there are a couple of types, but I will mainly focus on graded exposure.
I’ll use the idea of arachnophobia (fear of spiders) as an example as it may be easier for many of you to relate to.
Graded exposure is is where you create a fear hierarchy. For example at the bottom would be visualising a spider and at the top would be holding a spider. You slowly work your way up the hierarchy over a period of time until you eventually are able to tackle the top.

Medication

There are many different types of medication that are available to you. I will just name three types that I have personally experienced and tend to be most common. Please note that I am not a medical professional and that you will need to speak with your doctor to discuss the best option for you. Medication is often used alongside therapy for the best results for anxiety and panic-disorders.

SSRIs
SSRI stands for Selective Serotonin Reuptake inhibitors. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter, which amongst other things, is thought to regulate mood. Low serotonin can cause issues such as depression, anxiety and insomnia. By taking SSRIs, you limit the re-absorption and increase the levels of available serotonin.
Examples of SSRIs are Sertraline (Zoloft) or Fluoxetine (Prozac)

Beta-blockers
Panic attacks and feelings of anxiety release the hormone adrenaline. This increases your heart-rate, produces feelings of nausea, causes your body to shake and other common side-effects of panic and agoraphobia. A beta-blocker basically is used to block hormones such as adrenaline as well as improving blood-flow therefore reducing the effects of anxiety.
An examples of a beta-blocker is Propranolol, which can also be used for a range of issues, such cardiac problems and migraines.

Benzodiazepines
Benzos are a sedative and work by increasing the levels of GABA in your brain. GABA is a neurotransmitter responsible for reducing the activity of neurons in certain areas of the brain. The decrease in brain activity causes you to become calmer and also helps to relax muscles and aid sleep. These are a short term course of medication.
Examples of Benzos are Diazepam (Valium), Alprazolam (Xanax) and Clonazepam (Klonopin)

Many people choose medication as a treatment for anxiety and depression, which are more common than ever in today’s society. Not every medication works the same for each person and you may have to try a couple of different avenues before you find the right one for you. It is also important to remember medication is not a sign of weakness. I can’t stress that enough.

Relaxation

This is something that can be practiced anywhere at any time. Relaxation techniques are a great way to learn how to control your body and mind to be more prepared to tackle feelings of anxiety.
Some examples of techniques and practices include:
Breathing techniques – There are several techniques you can use to learn to control your breathing. During a panic attack or feelings of anxiety can create short, shallow breaths that can make you feel light-headed and increase your heart rate. Steady controlled breathing can prevent panic from taking over and slow your heart rate. This again can be practised any time, some people choose to do this when in bed to reinforce the idea of calm to help them fall asleep.
Visualisation – Visualising a place where you can feel calm and safe can help to release tension and reduce levels of anxiety. Engaging all your senses in a positive manner can help you reduce your heart-rate and blood pressure and help you to re-centre before panic takes over. Avoid visualising places such as home or bed as the aim is to change your idea of home being a ‘safe space’.
Yoga – This may or may not be for you, however I feel that yoga is a good way to help practice breathing, focusing and deal with stress. Research at Harvard medical school found that yoga is a good way to self-sooth, reducing the impact of an exaggerated stress response.

These are just some of the techniques I have tried throughout the years and overall, I have found most of them to be really useful. Although, it is important to remember that everyone is different, so if something doesn’t work for you, don’t be upset. Just try different things, speak with professionals and do some research to find what works for you.

So yeah, that is Agoraphobia. Don’t hesitate to get in touch if you have any questions or are looking for some support.
Always happy to help.

All publications and websites used are linked in this article.

Self Care & Feeling Good: It’s The Little Things

Al2 Comments

Before I went on holiday, I ate relatively clean and exercised everyday for an hour. I lost around 7lb and was motivated by the desire to look good in my pictures. My skin routine was consistent and I was moisturised within an inch of my life.

After I came back, the motivation was gone. Slowly working my way through more cake than I care to mention and I’m sure at this point my blood is more Cola than plasma.

Focusing on my health and feeling like I looked good really made me feel alive. I had more energy, more enthusiasm, more confidence and was a lot more motivated.

It’s been about a month and a half since I got home and I just feel in a constant state of what can only be described as “meh”.

I’m losing concentration (it took 10 hours to write my last blog post!) I feel tired all the time and I can’t be arsed to do anything. It’s a miracle I’ve kept up with posting.

While I support the use of medication for depression and anxiety if needed, I also think self-care is a very important factor that helps keep us balanced.

I am on antidepressants and while I wouldn’t say I feel depressed, I do feel a little more flat and tired than before I went away.

Today, I’m going to look at self-care and the secret to feeling good.

What is self-care?

“Self-care is something we do to look after ourselves emotionally, mentally and physically.”

It doesn’t have to be a huge lifestyle overhaul. A small change can go a long way.

Examples

Why do we need self-care?

Self-care is an important part of our lives, that can easily be forgotten. Whether battling a mental issue, spending long hours at work or just not feeling like you have enough time, it is sometimes put to the back of your mind.

Keeping active and doing things you enjoy will release endorphins and activate the reward system in your brain.

Healthy eating, drinking plenty of water and taking your medication helps your body to function properly, giving you energy.

Setting these little goals for yourself and achieving them can give you a huge sense of accomplishment and that can really help in taking bigger steps towards improving your mental health in the future.

I decided to start running before I went away and getting out and doing it, even if I didn’t feel like it showed me that I can motivate myself and push forward. I think it has helped me with persevering with these bigger goals of going out to new places and meeting new people.

Now I’m not saying that it will completely change your life, but it will give you the self-esteem and the knowledge that you can do what you set out to achieve.

In conclusion

Whether it be taking the stairs instead of taking the lift, letting your doctor know that you aren’t doing so well or getting outside in the sun to do some painting. Do something to make you feel good.

You deserve to.